you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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