Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
