I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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