I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
What drink are we having for lunch?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
