i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
