I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
