dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
