I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
