this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
