hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
