Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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