we're chasing vodka with high fives
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
