you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
