Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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