Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
