What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
