I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
