Will you blow on my dice?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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