my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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