So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
