textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
