She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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