My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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