It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
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I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
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I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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