My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
