worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
