3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
