We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
