he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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