Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
