My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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