Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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