he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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