ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
