Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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