She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
