So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
