true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
