im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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