Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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