did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
