how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
