i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
