I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Boobs speak an international language.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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