My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
