my phone needs a breathalizer
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
