God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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