the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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