just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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