11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
ugly people sure do ruin things
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
