True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
