She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
