It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
the liver wants what the liver wants
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
