Taylor Swift is so right about you.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
