So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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