If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
