Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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