i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it was like eating out sand paper
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
