i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
