Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
The best revenge is premature balding
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
