im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
and she was petting her beer can
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
