Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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