....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
